


Last Day's End

by April_Valentine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Defeat, Episode Tag, Grief, Last Day On Earth, M/M, Prose Poem, Rickyl Writers Group, Sadness, free form
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/April_Valentine/pseuds/April_Valentine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My strange prose/poetry response to the season 6 finale. Don't read if you haven't watched.</p><p>I didn't even know how far I could get with this, but I couldn't stop it from flowing onto the page. Writing it didn't make me feel better, but I had to do it anyway. I just had to try to tap into the feelings Daryl and Rick might have been having in that last scene.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Last Day's End

A shove rouses me  
From a fitful dream  
Somehow I dozed  
Despite the pain  
The loss of blood  
The anguish, the guilt  
Somehow I dozed and  
Now a boot against my wound  
Wakens me to the  
Brutal reality my sleep  
Protected me from.

What did I dream?  
Faces I remember,  
Beth… Merle… Hershel…  
All gone, yet not forgotten  
They find me when I am at  
My weakest  
They smile as if I never  
Let them down  
Denise too, the reason I  
Came out here.  
Glenn and Michonne tried  
To stop me, but I couldn’t listen  
Just another mistake in a  
Long, long list.

Brief respite hid me away  
From what is next  
I don’t know  
Yet in fact I do  
They have waited for  
Whatever reason  
And now, they pull me to my feet  
Push me toward the light  
And my execution. 

_We’re lost, surrounded,_  
_Taken, defeated._  
_All my people,_  
_My family,_  
_The ones I love,_  
_The ones I’ve killed for_  
_All being told to kneel_  
_Before this enemy_  
_I could not hide from._  
_My son, my friends,_  
_All who trusted me_  
_Who followed me_  
_Our weapons gone_  
_We can only do what we are_  
_Ordered to._  
_I barely feel the ground_  
_Beneath my knees._  
_I did as ordered, without defiance_  
_Without hesitation..._  


_I’m shaking, sick, terrified_  
_All my courage sapped_  
_My hubris laughable_  
_My strength illusory...._  
_Negan sees me for what I truly am._  


_This man I hunted_  
_Will take one of mine now and_  
_Kill with cruel finality._  
_And I deserve to feel_  
_This pain_  
_This guilt_  
_To have those who trusted me_  
_Look at me with hate._

_They have us all, despite my plans._  
_Were we so easily captured?_  
_So easily snared like rabbits…_  
_We escaped Terminus_  
_And came out whole,_  
_We escaped with most of our lives_  
_Despite the Governor’s plans,_  
_I shot and took down those two men_  
_In the bar near the farm,_  
_I killed my **best friend**_  
_For these people._  
_I entered Alexandria,_  
_Telling myself we would take it_  
_If necessary,_  
_Assuring my son we would_  
_Never grow weak._  
_And we thought we weren’t,_  
_I thought we were strong_  
_I told Maggie we would prevail_  
_That we could defeat all enemies_  
_Because we had right on our side._  


_But this sick world denies_  
_That right, for strength and_  
_Family are not enough. My weakness_  
_Was my belief that I was strong_  
_Enough. I would laugh_  
_But instead I am crying_  
_And I can’t even care that this_  
_Man who has defeated me_  
_Will see._

_I can hardly keep my eyes from_  
_The ground beneath my knees_  
_But a sound alerts me_  
_And I glance up, fear slicing_  
_Through my heart._  
_Because I see the rest of my family_  
_Also captured_  
_Also beaten down_  
_Also here in this_  
_Arena where every dream I held dear_  
_Will die._

_Glenn, who went from brave boy_  
_To stalwart husband,_  
_Seeing how I put his wife in danger,_  
_Michonne, who fought at my side,_  
_Cared for my son and for me_  
_Beyond any expectation,_  
_Her hair stolen for a warning sign_  
_Her dignity taken._ _Because of me._

_And worse… Daryl emerges_  
_A broken man such as I never_  
_Could have imagined._  
_He is pale as if from blood loss_  
_Because I know he would never have_  
_Gone down without a fight._  
_He is hurt and yet I cannot go to him_  
_I cannot offer support_  
_Cannot look into those blackened eyes_  
_Of his that look so lost_  
_Because I have been stripped of_  
_Everything I had ever hoped to give him._  
_Once, a nod between us spoke volumes,_  
_Now, there are no more words at all._

_I wish… I should have…_  
_I can’t now…_

No! Not Rick, not all of them!  
Not my family, the people I never thought  
Would accept me and show me what  
Friendship and belonging means. 

The sight of Rick on his knees  
Crushes my soul. He looks so  
Lost, so defeated, his face…  
His beautiful face so crushed  
With shame he never should have to feel,  
His hair drenched with sweat,  
Eyes downturned in submission  
Hands empty of weapons  
Tears falling as if he doesn’t  
Even know or care.

I would try to catch his gaze…  
How many times have our eyes met  
Across a field in battle  
All we needed was a look  
And we would know that the other  
Was there, that together we could  
Defeat all walkers, defeat all takers  
I offered myself to save him  
From Joe’s Claimers  
But now I see that I cannot  
Even do that little  
For we are the defeated ones now  
And all my fight, all my bolts  
All my bullets and all my trust  
Has not been enough to save him.

Does he see me, here, now, like this,  
Made weak before our enemies?  
Could I help him with my eyes,  
With the communication we always used to share?  
Would he see me even here, this way  
In this dark circle of hell?

Do I have it in me even to try? 

_It is going to happen_  
_My gut twists in dread_  
_My eyes seek out those I_  
_Have betrayed. I cannot offer them_  
_Freedom from pain_  
_Or barter my life for theirs_  
_I can only weep for them_  
_I can only know the chosen one will at least_  
_Not have to live through what is to come_  
_Because I know that for those of us who_  
_Survive this night, life will be much_  
_Worse than we could have ever dreamed._

Rick? I gasp his name in my mind,  
Wordlessly screaming for him,  
Yet I have no hope, no help to give.

_Daryl?_

I’m sorry.

_I’m sorry…_

If only…

_I know…_

***

_It’s over now. We are here in the dark. They’ve driven off, leaving what is left of us here. They dropped our weapons as they drove away, but we know we cannot wield them now. They have subjugated us completely. We will attempt to crawl home. Or we will simply stay here, collapsed on this cold ground, unable to think past that awful moment._

_We’ll have to pick up the… body. But for now, no one can deal with that. Our beloved comrade is gone, left like trash, beaten before our eyes while we were forced to watch, leaving a giant hole in our company, our family forever sundered apart._

_Nobody speaks. Nobody looks at anyone else. Nobody can. Me least of all. I stay where I was, on my knees, a defeated shell of the man I thought I was._

_Time passes, but I cannot know or care how much. I sense movement but my eyes are closed. Behind the curtain of my lids, the killing plays out, an endless loop, never to burn out but only remind me for the rest of my worthless life._

“Rick?”

_I hear that well-known voice, despite its hollow weakness, drained of strength. My eyes crack open and I cringe at the sight of him crawling toward me, making his slow way near to where I kneel. I can’t even move. I can’t feel. I can’t… anything._

“Rick.”

_I don’t know how much time has passed, but he is by me now. Near as he so often was those endless days and nights on the road. I want… I need… but I am empty, broken, nothing. What can I do for him? Bandage his wounds, stroke his head, ease his pain? Once I could, I did, I always had…_

“Rick…”

_Voice rough as sandpaper, dragged over broken glass. A hand falls onto my bent shoulder. I can’t even flinch away as its warmth trickles into my being._

“Rick. Please…”

_I look up, meet his wounded gaze. He has been hurt so badly. Now I see the blood on his right shoulder, the way it soaked into his shirt and vest and hair. Seeing him like this nearly kills the last spark inside me. But I can’t… can’t give up. Can’t go away and die and forget and not be… Daryl… Daryl needs me.”_

“Who…who shot you?” _I can hardly recognize my own voice as I ask him._

“Are you okay?” _Daryl ignores my question, his good arm wrapping around my shoulders. I don’t understand_

“You need to get up now. Please. For me?”

_I meet his eyes. Only for a moment. The shame makes me want to hide from him. But I see in his the naked love that always shone for me there. I am not worthy of that love, but despite everything… it is there. I nod, Struggle to comply. My aching knees attempt to unfold. He helps me up. Together, we breathe, both panting from the effort, leaning on each other in our weakness._

“They’ve gone. We can go home.”

_I look at him. No words will come from my throat. Daryl blinks, his bruised lids tremble, then open, gaze searing into my heart._

“We’ll get through this. We’ll get him.”

_He wants me to believe. He wants to give me that much to go on. For him, I will try._


End file.
